Five Poems

So I had a to-do item on my Owning 2013 list to write 5 new poems... well I didn't get it done yet but I'm going to rectify that with some awesome haiku :-)

1.
Two Thousand Thirteen
was not so very awful
wine makes it all good

2.
I got a kitten
call her badness and stink bug
and sometimes Margo

3.
Didn't read enough
adult books to make my goal
read kids books instead

4.
my kitten is cute
then she tries to eat my nose
then she gets time out

5.
I can be quiet
sometimes but usually
means I'm in a funk.

6.
I can also be
loud.  like crazy awesome loud
more often than not

And I wound up writing 6... will make up for all the other stuff I didn't do... right?  right?  :-) 

So many things to be thankful for...

So I dropped the ball with posting something I'm thankful for every day on facebook... so I thought I would give a few things the attention they deserve... I still might not do it justice but here goes...

1. I'm thankful for my family.  Young and old far and wide, those I talk to every day and those I touch base with just once in a while, all are important to me.  Families aren't ever perfect and that's what makes them beautiful. Every family is different and I happen to think mine is spectacular, each member individually awesome.

2. My parents - I still feel them with me everyday because our bond was so strong, and for that I am forever thankful.  When I'm having a rough day I can hear my dad saying "chin up, kid" and I can almost feel my mom brush her hands down my hair like she would do when I was sad.  My tough side (which sometimes hides) comes from both of them... I think the word feisty could be used for either one.  When I need to channel my "inner feisty" I just think of them and my backbone gets a little stronger :-) My mom had spunk and my dad had a bravery that I think is unmatched, and they both had an awful lot of love to give.

3. My friends -I have awesome friends that I've known for 20+ years and awesome friends I've known just a few months and I am thankful for every single one... They are a support system that I don't even begin to know how to be thankful enough for. When I lost my parents and found myself on my own again in what felt like rapid succession I thought I would feel a bit like an orphan and alone in the world.  But I was wrong.  Through every crisis I've ever faced my friends have been there to encourage me, make me laugh, dry my tears, feed me Hoffman's milkshakes and literally hold me up if I needed it.  Not a single one of them ever lets me forget who I am and that I'm tough enough for whatever life throws at me.  They're also good at being silly, going on adventures, challenging me to get out of my comfort zone, eating sweets, drinking wine, having fantastically inappropriate conversations and just plain ridiculous fun! I *am* one lucky girl.

4. My health - I've worked much more on this in the last few years, realizing that mid-thirties is probably a good time to start taking better care of myself (ok mid twenties or earlier might have been a better idea).  I'm thankful I have the energy to do fun things. I'm thankful that my body proves me wrong when my mind says "I can't" and I think it's been fun challenging myself in new and different ways whether it be by trying a new food that's healthy and delicious or by taking up a new hobby (I'm aching to try some trapeze work after the Pink show last night!)

5. My path in life... This is really overarching but I like where I am today, and who I am today and so because of that I need to be thankful for every step that got me here.  Even the ones that made me angry or sad. I was blessed to have a childhood that gave me a solid foundation for life- for all of the experiences and opportunities my parents and organizations like 4-H gave me during those years. I'm thankful for college where I learned to love poetry and art and to think about the world in a different way, and I'm thankful for the sometimes rocky path I've had as an adult when I've felt like a new crisis was being slung at me on a regular basis. I'm thankful for my career which lets me use my brain to solve puzzles and lets me be around awesome coworkers and customers everyday. 

6. Tough times - This is going to sound crazy.. but more than once recently I've caught myself saying "you've had harder days than this - this is nothing - you can get through it".  I'm sure there are tough times still to come.. maybe even tougher than I've already dealt with but I know exactly which days and moments have been my toughest so far and when I think I'm having a rough day I can look at those and know that I'm on the other side of them now and whatever is going on shall pass too.  Tough times make for a tougher Jen :-) but never a less sensitive or caring Jen.  So for that I am also thankful.  

AND THE TOP TEN SILLY THINGS I'M THANKFUL FOR:

1. Coffee
2. Chocolate
3. Kittens
4. Baby Goats
5. Hot baths
6. Good wine
7. Warm blankets
8. John Green Books :-) OK that should have been on my main list!
9. Songs that make me dance in the car
10. Songs that make me cry in the car

Strength

So my big brother posted this on facebook this morning... and then I reposted,and an awesome friend of mine shared it as well... so I saw it three times in my feed and I couldn't help but spend some time thinking and reflecting on the statement.

In the last few years I've had the "opportunity" to gain some strength this way whether I wanted to or not.  Life puts obstacles in the way for all of us sometimes...it's just the nature of living.  There were many times I thought there was no way I would get through to the other side of a situation at all, much less a stronger, happier, and a better person.  But I assure you it happens.


I can remember the day very clearly where I had to let go of my mom, and I had to find the words to let her know it was ok, that I would be ok, that dad would be ok... and I wasn't sure I believed any of those words that somehow in the moment I needed them came out of my mouth clearly and without quivering.  I just didn't know how I was going to face the world without my best friend, I didn't know how I was going to get myself through it much less my pop. I didn't know how I was going to give her eulogy and convey exactly how special she was with just my words.  I didn't know how I would get through the day without being able to pick up the phone to call her just to touch base.  I didn't know how I was going to do a lot of practical things either... like make sure my pop made it to all his doctors appointments or ate healthy (Hah!) or didn't go out driving on an icy night when he shouldn't.

I can also remember not that long ago thinking that I didn't know how to live on my own.  Or that I wasn't sure "alone" was something I could emotionally handle.  In the first 35 years of my life I never spent even a week living alone.  I didn't know how to do it without mom and pop there to tell me I could do it, that I was strong, and tough, and that this new chapter of my life would be better than I could imagine.  In my head I knew I had all the skills to do it...but I was still scared, self doubting, unsure I could be happy.

On a lighter note I wasn't sure this girl could ever be a runner of any sort... after all I didn't run my first mile without stopping until I was in my mid-thirties and I'm sure it looked pretty ugly by the end!  But like most other things I find that if I put one foot in front of the other... things just happen.

So today I look back at these things and smaller things like accomplishing something new at the gym, picking up a new hobby, achieving a goal at work and realize that I do (and we all do) have what it takes to get things done that we didn't think were possible.  There's an inner strength in me that sometimes I forget is there...and there is an amazing group of people in my life that fuel that strength and confidence when I struggle with being able to do it for myself.

So whatever it is, however physically hard and grueling or emotionally brutal it seems - know that it can be done. Find a way to tap into the inner strength, and let others help, always let others lift you up when you need it.  There is no weakness in sharing the weight on your shoulders with the people who love you.  And my newest mantra... challenge yourself and let others challenge you.  I'm looking at you big brother.. and your Warrior Dash invite.

It's on :-)  

Librarian Confessions

I was inspired by this page of hilarious librarian confessions: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2447492/Anonymous-librarians-confess-breaking-rules.html

Here is my personal top ten list:

10. I don't read nearly as much as I should, or want to, or people think I do.
9. I tolerate way more noise than most librarians would appreciate but it's still fun to shush people once in a while.
8. I may know people personally, you know - like the back of my hand,  who have ripped library cds.
7. I read library books in the bathtub.
6. My dog chewed up a library book.
5. I read 50 Shades of Grey, and I didn't hate it.
4. I once led a book discussion and had read the wrong book.
3. I read all of the Twilight books and I am admittedly Team Jacob.
2. If I don't have a book mark handy I dog ear pages of books, though never any of my John Greens.
1. I only read the first Harry Potter and decided that was enough for me.

Fangirling: Thoughts on Books made into Movies

So I'm super excited that The Fault In Our Stars movie has a set release date now... and I'm definitely going to be one of the first in line to see John Green's brilliance (I might be a super fan) come alive on the big screen -- but I definitely understand those that are reluctant to see it (or any movie based on a book for that matter).  There are lots of reasons for this, I certainly have an image of what the characters look like in my head for any book I read, and their world develops down to tiny details all in my imagination with the help of an authors careful word choices...reading a book is a complicated relationship, a give and take between the writer and the reader.  We all bring different backgrounds and experiences to the table shaping our vision of any given book. So what happens when a director, and a group of actors don't envision the story exactly as we do?  Is part of the magic taken away, or do we have a gift in front of us that is the ability to see someone else's private interpretation?

I already said I'm going to see the movie, and I've proudly proclaimed to the world on facebook (that's the whole world right?) that it's the most anticipated movie for me ever... for once I get to feel like a fan girl! I've always felt like I was missing out when friends were so excited to see the latest superhero movie or epic fantasy and now I get my moment of being "a rabid breed of human female who is obsessed with either a fictional character or an actor" according to Urban Dictionary.  

My only hesitation is that these words I've typed below will somehow not make it to the film in their entirety or that somehow their wisdom and beauty will be lost...here are a few of my favorite quotes from The Fault in Our Stars by John Green.  If you haven't read the book yet... I don't care if you're young or old, nerdy or cool (and aren't they the same) you should read some John Green :-)

My Top 5 Favorite Quotes from The Fault In Our Stars by John Green

5. “Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.”
4. “My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.”
3. “That's the thing about pain," Augustus said, and then glanced back at me. "It demands to be felt”
2. “Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
1. “As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”

Call me, call me, call me

Ok- That's' not actually an invitation to "wake me up in the dead of the night" unless you happen to be Luke Bryan :-)  I just have the song stuck in my head so thought I would share it with the rest of the world.. or at least the handful of people who read this blog:

So life has felt busy lately... or maybe I've just been filling life with busy work :-)  Hard to say really...busyness helps me ward off stress (or at least not think about it so much) so I tend to keep myself busy until I can't hold my eyes open at night and can just crash.  This does however mean extra coffee is often needed in the morning.

One really fun thing that kept me busy this last weekend though was seeing The Band Perry, Easton Corbin and Eric Paslay with one of my most awesome friends :-)  The show was fantastic. If you ever get the chance to see The Band Perry (or any of them for that matter) do it!  Kimberly Perry has more energy on stage than anyone I've ever seen before and did all the jumping around and dancing in a pair of what must have been 6 inch stilettos (black stiletto ankle boots to be exact- hey, I like shoes, I notice these things).  Seriously though, I'm hardly ever at a concert where I don't at least tune out a tiny bit during the songs I've never heard but that did not happen at all with The Band Perry - and they played lots of things I hadn't heard before.  My favorite was A Mother Like Mine (click the title to listen to it - I couldn't find a good youtube clip).  It's a beautiful song...and somehow I managed not to lose it in the middle of the concert.  I was very thankful to have a friend with me who knew immediately it might give me trouble and offered me a hug, I definitely needed it at that moment.  My favorite line from it is "I've got the best and the worst of her in me..." and I'm thankful for all of my mother's qualities I have in me...even my spectacular ability to dry out dinner no matter how hard I try not to overcook it :-)  I think we all grew to prefer our meats cooked until overdone throughout the years in my house.

I'll leave you with a live clip from the concert.  I have an odd love for the song "Fat Bottomed Girls" (which may or may not have anything to do with the size of my bottom) so I grabbed a clip with my phone.. the quality's not that great but hey.. I took the video.. it should be shared somewhere.  

Have a great week and a lovely holiday weekend!

Hugs, 

CarolJen

Mother's Day

There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss my mom.  Sometimes a silly story or warm memory will pass through my mind like a gentle breeze, leaving a quiet smile on my face for a few seconds in the middle of my day and sometimes the missing her is so sudden and intense that my eyes fill with tears before I even manage to grasp what's going on in my mind.  But the missing her all means one thing to me: that I had a beautiful, loving, wonderful mother.  There isn't the tiniest bit of me that doesn't realize that I am blessed to have had the relationship with my mother that I did and that's not to say it was perfect.  We certainly had our moments of anguish and disagreements that are a part of every relationship -- but there was not a day, hour, minute or even second in my life where I did not know 100% that my mother loved me with her whole heart.


I sometimes let emotions get the best of me and feel like I was cheated somehow, and that it's unfair that I'm a fairly young adult without my parents there to guide me through life, lending a listening ear, and loving arms to fall into when I feel like my world is falling apart.  But then I remember their love, I remember their resiliency in life and all that they taught me and all of unending warmth and support I felt and still feel over the years and realize that not only do I still have them with me but that they also gave me everything I need to get through. I know the words of comfort or encouragement they would give me and I can hear them in my mind in the moments when I need them most.

I know it sounds cliche, but my mother was truly the best friend I could ever ask for.  I'm sure some people would find it crazy how much I talked to my mother... often at least two or three times a day.  She's the person I'd call with a quick little silly story or simply to say good morning and also the person who talked me through several middle of the night heartbreaks.  I am blessed that I probably talked to my mother as much in the 32 years I had with her than some people do in 90 and because of that she is so vividly still with me.

So while the pain of taking my mother flowers to the cemetery on Mother's Day is still aching in my heart hours later, and while I wished with every fiber of my being today that I could have wrapped my arms around her in a tight squeeze and lifted her off the ground and spun her around like I was known to do sometimes -- I also know that the missing her and the sadness is because I was loved and she was loved and because we had a bond that was so special to us.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there and especially to the one I consider the best in the world :-) Love you mom <3